Link's Unfortunate Incident
by AngelEyes87
Summary: As Link is about to face Raphael Sorel in their destined battle in the Lost Cathedral, a blonde idiotic girl by the name of Ilia manages to interrupt matters...Legend of Zelda/Soul Calibur 2 crossover oneshot. Please R&R!


**A/N: **Hi, everyone! This is my first ever crossover oneshot that I have ever wrote. A few of you might have recognised that this was originally featured in Midnight Crystal Sage's popular story**, **_100 Ways To Kill Ilia. _Before she deleted her story for some reason, this oneshot was called Death by Raphael Sorel. So, Link is from the Soul Calibur 2 game that was released on the Gamecube console. This oneshot is about Link's destined battle with Raphael, and a blonde pest from Hyrule manages to interrupt things. Enjoy!**  
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**Disclaimer: **I do not own Link, Ilia and Raphael Sorel. All of them belong to their respective companies.

**Link's Unfortunate Incident**

**By AngelEyes87  
**

Finally! After many months of long and hard searching, Link actually came across the Lost Cathedral where Nightmare had dwelled.

_Soul Edge. _

That was what started the quest in the bloody first place.

Back in his homeland of Hyrule, Link had first received the news of that cursed sword. Strangely enough, everything didn't seem too peaceful in Hyrule, for the land was marred by floods and draughts. Thick clouds were beginning to gather and there was no more sunshine. It was all caused by a once friendly magician whom Link defeated in a long, gruelling battle.

Link soon discovered that the magician's actions weren't of Hyrule descent. It was from Soul Edge - a weapon from a different world that consumed human beings' souls in order to add to its power and strength. The shard of the sword was found in Hyrule. To prevent any further evil, Zelda and her court sent Link on a mission to destroy Soul Edge once and for all.

_Ha, typical them! _Link thought bitterly as he infiltrated the deserted building. _Link, do this for me. Link, do that for me. Why does it always have to be me? Yeah, I'd like to see them try and save Hyrule for once in their life! _Even though that Link was the Hero of All Time, he had saved Hyrule countless of times, and to be perfectly honest it did piss him off slightly.

It wasn't his fault that near enough everybody had problems in Hyrule! If it weren't for people calling him all the time, whether to do something for them or to save someone yet again, then he would gladly stay at home while baking delicious muffins and eating them all day long!

"Mmmmm," Link drawled in a trance-like state. "Muffins…"

Suddenly something caught his eye, causing him to snap out of his daydream about having all the muffins in the world. In the middle of the chapel there stood a blond hair man dressed in dark clothes. His left hand was clutching an unusual weapon that Link wasn't too familiar with. It was a sword with such a thin blade.

_Could he be the Azure Knight?_

Link wasn't too sure whether that man was Nightmare or that his sword was actually Soul Edge itself. He eyed the man's sword wearily and realised that it couldn't be. The weapon that he was hunting down was rumoured to a mighty and powerful sword. Instead the man's sword really looked _puny_!

Link leapt from one gigantic pillar to the next, aware that if he fell he would be dead. It was around a ninety feet drop he would say. _Oh, I wish that I had Epona with me_, he thought as his body started to tire from the jumps. _Then she would have made it even easier for me! _ Link summoned all the strength he had within him and made that final vault, his feet landing with a quiet thud on the concrete ground of the chapel.

The man's back was facing him, so Link paced up to him. When he was within a few yards of the man, he reached out a hand. From behind him, the man felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. He turned around, shrieking loudly as his eyes settled on a startled looking Link.

"Arghhh!" he exclaimed in shock, recoiling back. "AN ELF!"

"I'm a _Hylian, _you STUPID idiot!" Link angrily corrected, glaring at the man. Just because he had long pointy ears and was dressed in green clothes doesn't mean that he was a damn elf!

Without wasting any time, the man came at him with quick swipes with his sword and Link narrowly avoided every attack, ducking and dodging. _What the fuck is wrong with this man? _ Link thought as he almost got slashed by his enemy. Link followed it up by doing a back hand-spring flip, preparing for yet another attack.

Surprisingly, the man just stood there, not doing or saying anything while pointing his sword directly at Link. _Why is he smiling at me? _Link wondered to himself as the man smirked slyly at him. _A minute ago he wanted to kill me!_

"Watch quietly and learn!" the man sneered.

Just then the distant church bells stated to ring, signalling that it was their destined battle. _If the man wants a fight then he shall have one! _ The man stepped back a little as Link reached behind his back and pulled out his Master Sword along with his shield. Link knew that they were to fight and one of them had to fall. However he wouldn't be the one who will end up losing.

All of a sudden a loud, deafening shriek belonging to a girl cried out in the distance, "OHHH LINKY-POOOOO!"

Both Link and Raphael looked to the source of the shrill cry. Link immediately knew who it was without looking at the person. It was that _damn _bitch Ilia! _Shit, not her again! Out all the times WHY did she have to be here when I'm fighting? _ With a big goofy grin stuck to her face, Ilia was perched high up on one of those really tall pillars while enthusiastically waving to Link.

The Hylian shook his head sadly, wondering how the _hell _she ended up following him here. He had no idea whatsoever who told her about where he was going as he told everyone in the village to keep it quiet from her. Just wait until he finally gets back to Hyrule and strangle the life out of the person who couldn't keep their mouth shut!

"Is it a bird?" Raphael questioned curiously, squinting at her to get a better view. "Is it a plane?"

"No! It's…ILIA!" Link hissed the words, turning red in the face. Out of all the times he _told _her not to call him 'Linky-poo' she still wouldn't listen to him!

"LINKY-WINKY, LOOK HOW WONDERFUL I CAN DANCE!" Ilia shouted loudly at him, sounding like if a cat is being strangled to death.

Link and Raphael couldn't help but watch in horror as the thick-as-pig-shit blonde terror started to dance dreadfully atop of the pillar, singing _way _out of tune. Unable to listen to her hellish screeching any longer Raphael put his hands over his ears, wincing. It didn't take too long before Link saw that her foot was about to give way.

"Ilia, watch out!" Link warned. Unfortunately to no avail the bimbo didn't take any notice of him. She then lost her balance, waving her arms up and down to control herself.

"HELP, LINK!" she cried before finally plunging down, screaming as she did. Link slapped himself on the forehead in frustration. _Why do I even bother with her?_

"Now, where we?" Link mused out aloud, causing Raphael to shrug in response. _The fight! _"Oh…yeah!"

The two fighters slid into their own individual battle stances, sizing each other up.

"Allow me to introduce myself before you will fall to your demise, _boy_! I am Count Raphael Sorel of France. I'm here to claim Soul Edge so I can protect my foster daughter and create a new world for ourselves."

"I'm Link, defender of Hyrule. I'm here to destroy the sword to protect my homeland. I swear you will not get Soul Edge."

The Frenchman didn't look too bothered. "Well then, let us dance-"

"A little help here please!" a voice came from behind them, interrupting a very furious Raphael.

Straight away the two men walked to the edge of the chapel to see Ilia just hanging there. _How the hell did she manage to survive that fall? _ Link thought, wide-eyed as he helped Ilia up to solid ground again. In seeing that he had rescued her, Ilia threw herself into Link's arms, her little 'yelp' of joy going through him painfully.

"Oh, sexy Linky-Winky-Woo, you've saved me!" To his sheer surprise Ilia started to spread kisses all over his face. Link began to blush. Upon seeing this, Raphael started to snigger.

"Will you stop that?" Link snapped, cursing underneath his breath. Ilia froze then let go of Link, but not completely. "_How _did you manage to find me here, Ilia?"

"Simple!" she happily exclaimed. "I asked Colin and when he wouldn't admit where you were, I bribed him with sweets. My plan worked!"

"Damn that Colin…"Link fiercely muttered. _Just wait till I get my hands on him, then he will be sorry._

"Aww, what a _cute _couple you make!" Raphael jeered. "A pathetic elf and a retard for his girlfriend…"

"HEY! I am not a retard!" Ilia shouted at him, glowering. Link went blue in the face when she was squeezing him to her. "Link and I _are _deeply in love. We're gonna get married and have _lots _of kids together! We're gonna call them Link Junior, Ilia Junior, Daisy, Herdy, Gerdy-"

"Is this true?" the French demanded, eyeing Link as the words came out of his mouth.

"No!" Link protested, shaking his head from side to side while trying to escape from her death-like grip. Lowering his voice, he said "Ilia's got a few loose screws up there – she's nuts!"

Fortunately Ilia didn't seem to hear this because she was staring at Raphael's sword in amazement. She ran her finger up and down on his blade while Raphael just raised her eyebrow at her.

"Ohh, shiny!" Ilia squealed. "What is that?"

"It's a rapier," Raphael snorted. "Now, will you just stop _molesting _my sword right now!"

"EWWW!" Ilia made a face in disgust. "YOU'RE A RAPIST THEN! YOU BAD, NAUGHTY MAN!"

Raphael's eye started to twitch violently. "I'm a _what_?"

"If you want to kill her, be my guest!" Link said, pointing directly at Ilia. He stepped aside from her. _This is going to be a hell of a lot more interesting…_

"Huh?" Ilia stared at Link in shock when he suggested the idea. Why on earth would her Linky-poo do this to her. She thought he loved her as much as she did!

Without any hesitation Raphael lunged, angrily thrusting his sword at a groaning Ilia. Link's eyes watched every movement of his sword in stunned silence – it was as if his sword was caught up in a fast dance! The Frenchman ceased due to his lack of energy, gasping for air. He tried his best to wound her, however she was still fine. Ilia was on her knees, laughing like a demented psycho.

"Come on! Is that the _best _you can do?" Ilia teased, a glint in her eye. Soon enough sheer anger got the better of Raphael.

"DIE!"

With one final hard thrust, Raphael sent Ilia flying over the edge. A surprised Ilia started wailing at the top of her voice. Within a few seconds, they heard a _splat_ noise and they knew that the wicked witch was crushed to death.

"K.O!" a deep voice boomed throughout the chapel. "RAPHAEL WINS!"

Link laughed as the two men shook hands warmly. _Finally I can live my life in peace again!_ Link reached inside his inside pocket and pulled out two blueberry muffins, tossing one to Raphael who caught it.

"Here's to the death of Ilia!" Link toasted as they took a bite of their muffins.

**A/N: **Needless to say, this brings back memories when I was writing this a few years back :) Just in case you haven't realised nothing has been edited in this chapter apart from the grammar slightly.**  
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